I’m Trying…

Lifebuoy floating in the vast expanse of sea

By: Ms. O

I’m trying. I’m trying really hard. I wonder what all “this” means…I mean, really. I know struggles make us stronger but what I need now is encouragement…a crumb thrown my way….something to hold on to. We all need it. Hope. We are not meant to make it on our own…but there are times that I feel like I am shut up in some room with no light to see by…..no air to breathe…nothing…just a void.

Growing up on the East Coast, my parents would take us to the beach. Dotted along the shorelines were lifeguard stations. The current was pretty strong so I had to watch myself when I went out to “ride the waves”. I would look toward shore, find the lifeguard stand closest to where our stuff was, and keep myself lined up to it. There were many times that I would get lost in the thought, look up, and find myself drifting further and further away. It was a struggle, but I would swim against the current to make myself “right” again…back in line of home base.

 

When my kids were little, we would go out somewhere and they would go off to play. They would not stray too far from me…having to make eye contact with me from time to time…to reassure themselves that I was not deserting them.( Like that was something I did…as if…but I guess there is always a first time).  I could always see that look of desperation in their eyes as they searched me out…and the calm that would enfold them once they realized…made eye contact….I was still there…with them.

I have gotten the dreaded phone call…a few times…that begins with “first off…no one is hurt…everyone is fine.”……and then proceeds to describe whatever malady happened.  Most times with my kids it was a wreck….which never sits well until I actually see them “fine”.  There is nothing that can be done to hide the desperation that comes across the sound waves…pleading in a round about way…looking for reassurance…to be reminded that we are not alone…in…it.

I remember sitting bedside with my mother-in-law towards the end of her life. When I walked into her room, she was resting so I simply took a seat and waited. I heard her stirring…waking up….and for an instant there was a look of panic…worry…fear….the unknown. She could hear the steady beeps of the machines….but none of that was familiar. I reached for her hand…called her name….and as she turned her gaze toward me I saw the recognition take place…the worry lines smoothed out…and she was at ease once again. In the midst of the unfamiliar was something…someone…..she knew…and trusted.

Right now I feel like the pile on top of me has been building faster than I can keep up with….I can’t see the familiar anymore…it’s lost in the haze of loneliness/home repairs/uncertainty….and I don’t know which way to go…where to even begin.

I have not written lately because I felt like anything I wrote would be a pity party…thrown in my honor…and I did not want that…out there…for anyone to read.

I like to “appear” like I have it all together…that I can withstand the storm…me and my strong faith….”Super Christian”. Lately that has not been the case.

“I the Lord do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. Malachi 3:17

I need to not be taken under by the tide…get lost in the unknown…feeling lost and confused…and frankly…hurt.  God does not change…nor will He ever. I will not be destroyed…it just feels like it sometimes…like now.  Like a child…feeling lost…I need my Father….to pull me close…tell me it’s gonna be okay…that I won’t be overtaken.

Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so hard…but then again…what is life but a collection of moments…some good…some not so good…some really…really….bad.

This passage…this promise from God… will be my focal point….my lifeguard stand…my reference point. I will remind myself that God is beside me…wherever I lay my head…waiting for me to orient myself to my present surroundings…and circumstances…and then seek Him out…as my familiar.  Sure it would be so much easier if I did that in the first place…but my downfall is my pride…of trying to work through life on my own…but God’s pretty persistent in not allowing me out of His sight…thankfully. It’s time to draw on God’s promise…to me…amen.