Written by: Ms. O
I have never been good at science. I think by my sophomore year, my teachers realized that I was not science minded…as in they must have been lecturing in some foreign language…that most of the class could clearly understand…but I just went from outright panic…to self preservation, shut down mode. I just didn’t “get it”….I still don’t…but I want to know if there are any science aficionados out there who can answer something that has perplexed me for the last, say….thirty one years.
I know after the birth of each of my children…the cord was cut…and they were no longer a “part of” my body. I was no longer carrying them around inside me. From now on, they were separate entities….that I was still in charge of…but pregnancy was over….and their life outside of my body began…apart from me. Now, that does not perplex me…I understand that much of it…stay with me on this.
What I don’t get is…if my child is separate from me…how is it that whatever is going on in their lives…I still feel…..”connected”. How is that? It is automatic….with out thought or effort on my part…it just happens.
When homework assignments…a big test…major project…was due for my kids…my nerves would go into overdrive. My stomach would cinch up…I could feel butterflies floating up…and my brow would become creased with worry. It was not “my” work…not my grade up-for-grabs, but it was my worry…that caused me to ask…over and over…and over…again…if they finished…can I read it for them….quiz you one more time…just in case.
The times in my life that I have felt the most excitement,….that sense of accomplishment…had nothing to do with me…it was my kids…doing something. Watching them make a team….graduating high school….then college…find their first job…move into their own place….gave me a sense of utter bliss. I felt like my heart would burst out of my chest…I was so happy…so very joy filled.
The most intense out of body emotion I have ever felt takes only one phone call…the opening lines…that can turn my entire body inside out. When the word “mom” is clogged with tears…my eyes immediately fill and pour out. Or the sentence is “hey, it’s probably nothing but….” I know nothing could be further from the truth. With the reverberations I hear in their voice….I feel that tightening around my throat…a vise around my heart…takes over. I have to take deep breaths…and wait…to whatever follows…praying that God will give me whatever wisdom I will need…to work through this storm…this I time of uncertainty….as I work through it myself.
This is my quandary…how is this possible? I know the days my children were born….I was there…as they took them away to be “cleaned up”…and I stayed back in the LDR…so I know they left my body. How is it that I am still connected? It takes less than a second for my own body to react…assume and take on…the joy…worry…pain…that my kids are feeling. I feel as if that umbilical cord is still between us…and it’s attached to my heart.
I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.
I read this words spoken by Jesus, recorded in John 17:23, I catch a small glimpse of this “strange science” that has me so befuddled. Christ is having some serious prayer time with his Father…sharing the amazement of the trinity…of how we are connected. I have no problem with knowing that Christ is connected to God….after all, Jesus is God on Earth. They are one…it’s the way it includes me that flat out humbles me…to realize that I am attached to this “story”. God is in Christ…Christ is us…in me. Christ feels my joy….absorbs my panic…weeps with me….just as I do with my own children.
I know my kids…have been witness to their growing …and I feel that connection…and hope it never fades. This piece of “magic” defies all logic…and I truly think that is a good thing. I don’t want to dig so deep that it makes sense…because I don’t think it is explainable. It is a wonderful gift….given to me….so I live into it. I look to Christ with that wonder…but even more so. He wants me to know that connection… to Him…..to feel it each and every day…and fall in love with the wonder of it all. He knows me…been witness to my growing…connected Himself to me…and He never wants to take that for granted…or forget it.
I truly hope my joys have brought You joy, God…that my sorrow brought me closer to You for comfort…and that by belonging to you….my life is complete. You never cease to amaze me God. Ms. O
The Living Room 
Nor you, me!! 🙂