Tough things to write

Written by: Ms. O

This is a tough blog to write today…it has been simmering in my soul for some time…and I feel that if I don’t talk about it…I might as well burn up with it. I hate to show weakness…I truly do…but I never want to present the facade that I have it all together…cause I don’t….not by a long shot.

There are marked days on the calendar that resonate in the heart….that pull us in one direction or another. It is crazy that a date…on a piece of paper…can conjure up such emotion…I can’t explain it…I just live it.

We all know that December 25th is one of those awesome “a-ha” days…that we all anticipate with great joy. There are some of us…my daughter mostly…that starts the countdown long before it actually should begin. If I am sweating…as in profusely…there is no glistening for this girl…I do not take joy in seeing Christmas decorations up at my favorite craft store. It is like a joke…a carrot you dangle in front of me that is way too far off for me to capture much as less comprehend. I do know though that when we put out our lights to line our driveway and sidewalks…adhering to Pecan Grove’s expectations…I look forward to December 25th…because I know what joy awaits.

I love Halloween…I truly do. (I am not a devil worshipper…nor do I practice witchcraft…it is more about the kids than anything.) Because of where I live…see above paragraph…I know I will go through hundreds…I do not exaggerate at all…..of pieces of candy. I sit out front…with my candy caldron…and hand out sugary sweets…to whoever walks up my sidewalk. There are many days that go by that I know I will have no visitors at my home…but come October 31st….it more than makes up for the empty days.

When I get a new calendar…and I am marking birthdays…I visualize the person I am marking down…especially my kids. As I put  “Doug” on February 13th…it is hard for me to come to terms with Doug…getting older…when I feel as if I am still not grown up…yet. Skip over three days to February 16th…and “Mandy” will be marked down…born three days…and three years…after her brother…and crawled into my heart to reside by his side. It is those days that I wake up…remember the days they were born….thinking back how each day played out…and the final outcome…the fulfillment of becoming a mom…twice.

But each year…for the past nine years…when August comes around…particularly August 4th…my heart is melancholy. On that day…nine years ago…I walked into a court room as a married woman…and walked out divorced. I no longer “belonged” to anyone…was not part of a pair…I was a single unit…and have yet to know what to do with it. I don’t care what kind of marriage anyone has…that ends up in divorce…nothing takes the sting of the finality of it away. I remember the judge asking me a couple of questions…and then pronounced me…divorced. It is a difficult thing to talk about…but what I know is I am not alone in this…many have gone through it…and feel what I do…and hiding from it does not make it better….or go away. So I sit in the sadness…for a while…let the bitter pass…before I can pass through it…one more time….to look for the mending.

When I find myself in these moments…which aren’t just on August 4th…it comes up again on Valentines Day… New Years Eve….on my “anniversary”…when I see couples out together…and I am reminded that I am not a “couple”…anymore…I know that I HAVE to find my solace in scripture.

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.” Micah 7:7

It is in moments like these…that I pour myself out and into God’s arms. I know He is listening to me. He knows me…and is fully aware of my pain. He has guided me down a path that has not been the easiest…but through the sorrow…He has comforted me. He hears my cries…sees my tears…and reminds me that I am His child. I am not part of a couple…but I still belong…to Him…I am His.  I mark the anniversary of my divorce…not in celebration…but more so in remembrance of the sorrow….and the comfort I find in God.

I pray that He reminds me of that promise when I find myself wallowing in tears…and He waits for me to lean in….to Him….again….and again….amen.

With God’s love…Ms. O

4 thoughts on “Tough things to write

  1. I felt your pain and admire your bravery in writing this. My ‘anniversary’ is August 25th. 16 years.

    Love you Linda.

  2. Love and Hugs to you! Thank you for sharing your personal heart story and most importantly for knowing that GOD has his arms open for you all the time!
    Love, The Jefferson’s
    Randal, Elizabeth, William and Teddy

  3. My sweet sister, I am so sorry for your sorrow. What a comfort it is to know that God is ALWAYS with us, He will never leave us or forsake us, and His unconditional love NEVER FAILS. Praying you find joy and peace as you rest in His loving arms. Thank you for sharing with all of us the pain that accompanies divorce–even after so many years. Those of us who have not gone through it need to hear what it is like so we can know how to reach out to those who are living with the pain of divorce. Your words are a blessing.

  4. Linda,
    Thank you for this glimpse of what so many endure, yet no one truly ‘sees’. There’s incredible beauty in strength and courage. Yours is amazing and it’s a blessing to watch you thrive.

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