Written by: Ms. O
Have you ever wondered what God thinks as He gazes upon you….His creation?
I have always been very self-conscious…. sometimes I wonder if I will ever outgrow that.
When I was young I never knew how to smile for the camera. I look back and see those dreaded school pictures…oh my…when they lined you up in cattle mentality…until you got your five seconds of photo shoot.
The person never knew what to do with my hair…mercy, I never knew what to do with it. It was fly away…it had no body at all…..not one curl to speak of….and it never went how I wanted it to. (My grand ambition of having Farrah Fawcett hair never made it past the bathroom door when the “curl” would fall…and it just…hung…straight.) Finally, the photographer would say, “smile”…as if that was easy…cause I truly did not know how to. It was a skill I never acquired…go ahead, jest all you want to…it’s true.
Some people are natural…I was not. I hated the fact that everyone was watching me…waiting for their turn…and so I would have this small, shy smile…that totally hid the part of me that wanted so bad to be “that girl”…the one everyone wanted her wallet sized photo…cause her picture said, “hello, I’m confident”….ugh. I include a picture only to prove my point…oh my.
I have never really liked my body…..which pretty much describes just about every woman I know. I hated my “ham hands”…nothing like my mothers. The days I would dust her room as one of my chores, I would sneak into her jewelry box to try on her rings…but none of them would go past my first knuckle. I suppose I got my dad’s hands…along with my large thighs…maybe the German heritage…not something I would brag on…at all. I don’t think there is one petite thing about me….which was great for playing sports…but not for wearing a dress…or cute outfits that are made for smaller framed women who weren’t “blessed” like me.
I have always had a speech impediment…which only made my intense fear of speaking in front of people even worse. My “r’s” were never quite clear…even after taking speech therapy. Now I am very intentional in trying to pronounce that dreaded consonant…there are times it falls out…and I am taken back to elementary school and being made fun of…. wanting to crawl into a hole and hide.
As I got older, I learned the tricks to work with what I had been given. I smile HUGE now…not to be noticed…but for a better reason. When I look at pictures of myself now…as uncomfortable as that may be at times…I see the joy…the wide-open, I don’t care what I look like cause I am happy – smile. Some people may poke fun (with love) about my smile, but I have come to terms with the fact that for once I smile with abandon…not really caring what people think of me.
If my “r” goes a little off kilter…I am learning to live with it.
I know what clothes to wear and what to not even try to pull off….maybe wisdom does come with age.
“The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord.”
This is what I think…opinion based; God does see beauty when He looks at me. I hear Him asking me, “Why are you concerned with what the world thinks? I created you to be…..you. My measure of beauty is not by the world’s definition. My view of you is beyond your understanding…beauty that is not defined in the way you think.”
When He looks at me…He sees beauty…in my soul. He knows my heart….full of compassion and the ability to love…which attests to His working in my life. He has created beauty from ashes…dusted me off…and made me whole. Sure there are plenty of times that I look with envy on those with perfect hair…beautiful smiles…ability to wear clothes that come right off the mannequin…I can’t deny that. I’m human.
My prayer is this: “Remind me God that I am a daughter of the King….and I need to carry myself with that in mind…honoring You in all I do.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I know “Who” beholds me…